The formula band flurry/boy-band barfalon began with New Kids on the Block. Now they wanna re-pollute the airwaves like it’s 1991.

No longer can we deny this sad, shameful chapter in U.S. history:

Even Halle “I have Hit & Run Anmesia” Berry can’t deny this atrocity!

I’m sorry to have to remind everyone of such a dark time in U.S.– indeed the world’s– cultural history, but in the name of teaching a meaningful lesson I will.

Does anyone remember what the billboard hot 100 looked like 10-15 years ago? For those of you who blocked it out–along with other traumatic childhood memories– I’ll sum it up in two words. Here, take your pick: boy “band”. Formula “band”. Pupetter-led “band”.

Except in this case, the term “band” equals a group of pre-selected, pre-pubescent boys, all of whom share three characteristics:

(1) passable dancing ability (can be trained with a choreographer);
(2) passable singing ability (with aid of vocal coach and heavy computer remixing);

…and most importantly,
(3) Non-threatening type of sex appeal (see Sanjaya from American Idol) that entices 12 year-old girls to cry, swoon and drool… then spend their allowances on cheap Chinese imports bearing the likeness of said “band”-mate.

This dark time in musical history over a decade.

And then people woke and/or grew up. Tired of saccarine junk-pop. The boybanders left the airwaves without having any lasting impact on the evolution of music.

Phew.

Ahh, but that’s not to sat they left no destruction behind.

One can hardly fathom the sheer volume of landfill space devoted to New Kids On The Block trapper-keepers, Backstreet Boys lunchboxes, ‘N Sync posters, and so on. The way I see it, at minimum, each boybander should have to plant 50 trees per year in order to help negate his carbon footprint!

But hey, at least our fellow humans have quit embarrassing themselves by supporting faux-musicians! Finally, we’ve come to a time where the only way a boy-bander can get airtime is to do trainwreck reality tv.

And this is where they really shine, IMHO. Did anyone catch House of Carters on E! ? C’est magnifique! Très insipide! Genius!

In fact, boy-banders make such excellent reality-show subjects that I, for one, am willing to grant them amnesty for their past sins against music/culture, as if they’d never even polluted the audio airwaves with a single song!

I say: let them do their stints in Mtv and Vh1… as long as said stints are limited to shows like Celebrity Rehab, The Hills, The Real World, The Surreal Life, and Flavor of Love. I don’t begrudge them the ability to earn a semi-sleazy living. I just want to protect music’s cultural heritage!

But like African dictators, some people just won’t hear it when the world begs them to disappear…

Just when it looked like these musicians “entertainers” had found their place on basic cable, on 30 Jan 2008 Elizabeth Hassle-bin-laden put forth a most terrifying plight .

Side note: I knew she was a little nutty, but president of a cultural smut-pushing fanclub?!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but it looks as if they weren’t just posturing.

Please. Make. It. Stop. People are already pointing to this decade as the redux of the 70’s, with gas prices, stagflation, and a presidntial candidate who just may turn out to be the second coming of Jimmy Carter. Who’ll get elected because he’s the anti-Nixon/Johnson Bush.

Some things are better left forgotten.

Seriously, Old New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys Men, et. al., I think the rest of the country would support me in offering you this deal:

Stay out of the recording studios. File your past transgressions against contributions to pop-culture under “quaint time in history”; they’ll do well next to other atrocities like acid-washed jeans, disco and MC Hammer pants.)

In return, we– along with the state of New Jersey/landfill capital USA — will forgive your sins against mother earth.

That’s right: act now, and despite your Bigfoot-sized carbon footprints, we won’t make you plant any trees or pick up trash.

In short: Produce no new waste, and we’ll absolve you of responsibility for the old.

Act now, and as a bonus, you’ll save yourself from (further) public humiliation! We understand that your definition thereof is, shall we say, elastic, but trust us, the following clip is nothing to be proud of circa 2008.

I especially like it when you try to get the audience to sing along…

Just imagine how that will look 10 years from now.

Jamie-Lynn & Britney Spears: The Real Story Behind the Trainwreck

There I was, all decked out in a little black dress at 2AM, pumping gas in Santa Monica. I think I was returning from a Holiday party. A group of teenage boys pulled up at the next pump, and shouted while pointing in my direction.

They said “Look, it’s Britney Spears!”

They presumably meant it as a compliment, as this was four years ago.

Even still, I was somewhat offended.

Not that I’m the world’s best judge of character or anything, but I always thought of Brit as trailer-trash. After all, you can take the girl out of white-trash-Louisiana, but you can’t take the trash out of the girl.

And now her sister, 16-year old Jamie-Lynn Spears, is pregnant! As one of the tabloids pointed out, teen pregnancy is more common in Louisiana than average.

Recent drama involving trainwrecks named Spears got me thinking, about how deceptive (albeit well-crafted) celebrities’ public personas are.

It makes sense, of course– celebrities do hire slick publicity firms for this very purpose.

But still, disasters arise when publicists do their jobs too well, by building an image for the celeb that’s at odds with who they really are.

The problem is, sooner or later, true colors shine through. The carefully created public facade gets cracked, and everyone acts as if it’s a huge shock.

Jamie-Lynn had her own show on Nickelodeon!

Britney was a Musketeer!

Lindsay Lohan was a Disney Star!

How could these girls end up arrested, drug-addicted and/or and pregnant?!

Easily and predictably, that’s how. All three of them are children of stage mothers. At the end of the day, they were kids allowed to run free in the very adult candy store that’s Hollywood.

They fell victim to a parenting style that kissed their collective asses in order to keep them happy (and allow Mom to keep collecting that 15% ‘Manager’s Fee’).

And now it looks as if Britney has really lost it.

As reported early Friday morning,

Police were called to Britney Spears’ home in a custodial dispute that lasted for nearly three hours before the intoxicated singer reportedly turned over her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline.

Aerial footage from local television stations showed Spears being lifted into an ambulance on a trolley. It was unclear where she was being taken.

[Officer Jason Lee said] Spears was under the influence of an unknown substance, and no injuries were reported.

The incident involved a family dispute that police worked to resolve “peacefully by court order”, he said.

An Associated Press photographer outside the gated community that includes Spears’ house saw six police cars, an ambulance and a fire engine enter around 10.30pm.

Spears and Federline are fighting over custody of their sons, two-year-old Sean Preston and one-year-old Jayden James.

Spears called in sick for a December 12 court-ordered deposition, but was photographed that day driving with a friend. She also didn’t show up for a session on Wednesday, Kaplan said.

Spears’ lawyers from the firm Trope and Trope on Wednesday filed a court motion asking to be relieved due to a “breakdown” in communication with their client.

Personally, I think the ‘unknown substance’ is unadulterated bad brain chemistry. After watching others with this condition, I think she’s severely Bipolar, because some of the crazed behavior she’s exhibited happened just prior to passing a drug test.

But at the root of her problems– losing her kids and now her lawyers– lies something unrelated to bad mental wiring.

She’s not used to hearing the word “no”. No one around her is allowed to tell her she’s off her rocker, or they’ll be replaced.

Ergo, not only is she acting insane, but she has no idea how bad she looks, because she’s surrounded by nothing but ass-kissers who are on her payroll.

As fun as these trainwrecks are to watch, this one makes me sad. One can only hope that US Magazine’s ‘Shame on Lynne Spears’ cover story has the effect of shaming other stage mothers, before they ruin their children’s lives.

Sadly, for the offspring of Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears, it’s probably too late.