Heidi Montag Pratt to join cast of Real Housewives of Orange County?

When I saw this issue of People, I mistook the cover-girl for one of my gated-community-in-OC neighbors:

Typical mid 30’s to 40’s suburban Orange County housewife. Right?

You know the type….

Yes, that’s RHoOC castmember Tamra (left) sporting The Snookie…apparently the ‘Jersey Shore’ virus has mutated into an OC version? On the right: Tamra’s nemesis, Gretchen Rossi.

Apparently Heidi had all of this work done because, at 23, she wanted that “Hmm, how old is she?” plastic look. Disturbingly, it points to early-onset Madamism (aka plastic-surgery-induced resemblance to a drag queen puppet). Famous victims of Madamism include Joan Rivers, Mickey Rourke, and Wayne Newton.

Extra points go to anyone able to tell which is human!

A wide array of media outlets have reported on Heidi’s surgeries, taking positions ranging from shock to outrage and/or disgust. Coming from the pros, I find this annoyingly hypocritical. Because as someone who used to work in that industry, I can spill its most open secret: everyone on camera goes–or is sent to–to the cosmetic dermatologist, regardless of age.

But then there’s the blogosphere, allegedly comprised of normal people, whose commenters seemingly jump at the chance to act superior. As in “How sad it is that this poor girl hates herself that much!”

Because inner beauty is all that others really care about, right?!

Of course, even as they publicly snicker, everyday people are nonetheless succumbing to the message of said reality tv-starlet obsessed media: That it is desirable–even normal– to look plastic.

As if the pinnacle of natural beauty were breasts that allows one to watch the tide come in (courtesy of saline implants) as the woman approaches.

This warped sense of beauty is especially prominent among early 20-somethings whose moms all have saline boobs (having come of age when it was illegal to get the silicone ones put in. Courtesy of one rich trial lawyer. End of history lesson.)

To wit: One J-wow, of MTV’s Jersey Shore fame:

Apparently, she thinks she thinks she had everyone believing she was implant-free until that Jersey biatch Snookie let the cat out of the bag.

Says the NY Daily News:

And while the 24-year-old won’t admit she’s had a boob job, her cast mate Nicole ‘Snookie’ Polizzi outed her, saying Jenni “has those big, fake boobs and can wear anything.”

**Full disclosure:
Like most women in my neighborhood, I am no Botox virgin, so to speak. However, in the words of Nina Garcia, I like to think my taste level is there. Unlike that of Ms. Montag-Pratt.

Want evidence? I am willing to pay up the nose (not to mention braving the 405), all to see one of the guys who enables starlets like Demi Moore to say they are 100% natural with a straight face. This is also unlike Ms. Montag-Pratt, who obviously got her work done gratis in exchange for publicity. She is a businesswoman first, yo.

More evidence? Prior bad acts on the part of the good doctor: No, I’m not referring to his shady malpractice history… moreover, this is the guy who did Gene Simmons, businessman, reality star and spokesmodel…. who you know would never pay for it.

I mean, really, why else would you let a guy who looked this natural do 10 procedures on you?

Who knew? Madamism affects surgeons too!!

Forgive me if this sounds elitist… It’s not that I’m above freebies from the Plastic Surgeon. It’s more that I’ve no desire to join the cast of Real Housewives of Orange County… even though you might argue that I am one already.

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Attn Men: If you ever want sex again, avoid ordering your woman’s gift from a TV ad produced by Jenna Jameson’s porn empire.

It’s that time of year again- obligatory gift-buying season. Which means that most dudes couldn’t be more afraid. Because this is one area, like decorating and party planning, where the straight male is genetically engineered to perform badly. Only the ramifications of doing so can be much worse than social humiliation… inappropriate gift-giving can equal no nookie in the new year! Quelle Horreur!

But fear not, feeble-minded tough guys. If you act now, for 19.95 you can purchase what is guaranteed to be the perfect gift (plus it’ll make her hot and horny as a bonus!): an aphrodesiac-like purfume made of snake oil!

Okay, now be honest. How many of you men reading this did I have going with that one, up until the snake oil part? It’s okay– it doesn’t make you stupid. It makes you desperate… desperate to believe you can solve the problem that easily.

And Wherever there is a desperate buyer, there is a savvy snake-oil salesman in the wings.

Some are worse than others.

The most evil of all know exactly how to prey on their targets’ soft spots.

And who knows a man’s weaknesses-and is therefore in the better position to sell said men heavily polished turds– more than a true professional?

Go ahead and try to tell me there are no such professionals behind this bit of marketing genius:
click here to watch
I can see see it now…

INT.’MASSAGE PARLOR’ BREAK ROOM; CHINATOWN, USA – NIGHT

Four industrious femmes are chatting in heavily-accented Engrish: the two Massuese/Madame/Co-owners called ‘CINDY’ and ‘LUCY’, a moonlighting Stripper/Porn Star/Businesswoman called ‘TRACY’, and a massuese-cum-marketing genius called ‘JENNIE’. In the spirit of Tracy Quan, the ladies are putting their knowledge of seductive man-ipulation to work, laying the foundation for an empire. You go girls!

CINDY

Here in massage parlor I learn about dumb American men and their fear of picking out gifts for special lady. They all afraid bad gift=no sex for looong time. But this good- it mean more business for us!

LUCY
I think I know a  way to get better business! Growing up I worked in China’s largest sweat shop. I think we can use sweat shop connection and knowledge about dumb American men to make million!!

TRACY
Oh, my sister still works there. She says they must put nice looking fabric in bin labelled “reject pile” because it caused rashes and tested positive for melamine and asbestos. I think my sister can give us the material instead of taking it to dump!!!

LUCY
Then we can get my sister’s kids to sew the material into PJs- it will cost us very little!

TRACY
We will not sell items in stores, so no one will see the bad quality until it’s too late!

JENNIE
But who will buy such bad quality? Who won’t return the stuff when it causes rash and/or falls apart after one use?

CINDY
We just make sure items look good in pictures. No woman will return such a gift anyway!

LUCY
I know! We can disguise the bad materials by doing a nice wrapping job and including some stuff like they sell at the 99 cent store in the bath section!

JENNIE
Still, why men buy?

TRACY
As we know from working in Massage Parlor, horny American men are dumb. Horny American men threatened with no more sex are desperate. Was there ever an easier mark?

LUCY
All we need to do is sell them on the fact that our gift will not get them cut off in bedroom. What kinds of gifts get men cut off?

TRACY
Anything that shows the man put little or no thought into what the lady likes. Like appliances or stuff from Home Depot.

CINDY
So we say our gift effortless but still thoughtful! We even include card and give suggestions for what to write!

JENNIE
[Speaking in sexy voice]’She’ll think you spent weeks planning it!’

LUCY
That’s perfect– I can hear our ad now! Men believe anything if said in a horny voice.

JENNIE
Also, promise something sex-related… like the only gift guaranteed to take her clothes off!

TRACY
Men are so easy to make money off of when sex is involved. They do not have enough blood in their bodies to support their brains and dicks at same time!

Aaand..SCENE!

Can’t you just hear the girlish giggles everytime a man orders from them?

Men, I beg of you, don’t give them more giggle gas.

You may think it’s not, in fact, so egregious. And perhaps you’re right…

So just in case you decide to ignore all that we’ve learned here and order a Pajamagram, let me tell you of the pennance my bf paid after he gave me the finest Pajamagram money can buy for V-day 2 years ago:

He actually took me to dinner at the Bluewater Grill and presented me with this customized card, explaining that it was supposed to neutralize the Pajamagram.

Which it did… just barely. (Five-star resorts have magical powers!)

So to all of the men out there who wish to avoid unpleasant relationship consequences this holiday season, I leave you with an ancient Chinese Proverb, albeit very loosely translated…

Pay Now or Pay Later.

Public Service Time: gift-giving advice for men who want to get laid next year

HINT: if you follow their gift-giving advice, you’ll be needing to use this photo a whole lot next year. (Print, laminate and hide in bathroom!)

It’s practically Christmas, but I know most men haven’t yet found the inner resolve to undertake the most overwhelming of tasks: shopping for the wife/girlfriend.

Because it’s the season of giving and I’m nothing if not generous, I’d like to offer men and the women who love them a public service. Let’s call it chick-gifting 101.

For the guys out there, proper chick-gifting requires you to understand one key principle.

Now I realize that the following maxim is kind of like the warning label that says “this bag is not to be used as a flotation device”, obvious but sadly necessary.

Most of you men out there may find it a tad condescending. Still, if it saves just one man from disaster, it’s worth stating.

So here goes.

Men and women are different.

Men are into utility and problem-solving. To most of you straight men, no gift is as thoughtful as a gadget, tool, or the ever-popular and effortless gift-card to an electronics/home improvement store.

Women, however, generally want something personal and tasteful. Utility ranks a distant third.

So guys, unless she specifically asked for something from the electronics or appliances department, stay away.

Unless your new year’s resolution is involves never sleeping with her again.

But you knew this already, right?

You were planning on getting her something personal, fashionable and not cheap. You’re even planning to make your annual pilgrimage to the mall for her!

But before you do, you’d best be armed with the following knowledge.

What can I say, it’s the holidays and I’m here to help.

It’s a sad fact that where there are generous givers like yourself, there are unsavory scam artist-types, just waiting to take advantage your good intentions.

No, I’m not referring to Ms. Nabu Mshindi, third cousin to the Sultan of Nigeria, who will gladly give you a piece of her 50Million$US fortune if you kindly wire her the bank fees in advance.

I’m talking about scam artists who are much more shrewd; those who have perfected the art of flying beneath the radar while taking advantage of well-meaning but naive targets like you.

They refer to themselves as Ad Executives.

Being a man, you probably think yourself too wise to be had. But, I’m telling you, these evil-doers are shrewd.

They’ve even gone so far as to conduct covert ops in order to find out the way you think. They even have a nice-sounding term for it: market research.

It seemed like a good idea at the time!

They know that as of right now, your mind is reeling with something like this:

Shit, I’ve got to get something suitable for my chick so I don’t have to worry about not getting laid. Let’s see, what would I want if I were her? Something useful and sweet, like a big-screen TV. Better not risk it though…after I gave her that super-high end vacuum last year, she cut off sex until March! Chicks! So impossible to figure out! Better play it safe and get her something feminine and classy, even if it means going to the mall. At least she’ll know I did something I hate doing to get the damned gift. That ought to be good for a few blow jobs.

Good intentions like these present the perfect opportunity for the aforementioned scam artists.

You want to get her something feminine and seemingly classy.

More likely than not, though, you have no idea what these adjectives actually mean to a woman.

All the scammer has to do is convince you that his product fits the bill.

They know how to get to you, invading your subconscious via your beloved big-screen TV. They litter the airwaves with ads during football; ads that show hot women receiving the most foreign of objects, lingerie and jewelry, and falling all over themselves with delight.

No matter that the products advertised are made in China for 1/100th of their retail price. Like a bad polyester wig, the products look authentic to the untrained eye but quickly fall apart when actually used.

Of course, you men never use these products yourselves– right?— so you’re likely to think that $250 at Victoria’s or Kay Jewelers was money well spent.

Until you see your woman’s expression on Christmas day.

Write it down: MUST NOT SHOP AT VICTORIA’S SECRET OR KAY JEWELERS. IGNORE HOT CHICKS IN ADS.

These companies are the absolute worst. They are practically modern snake-oil salesmen. They are purveyors of sub-quality crap.

The fact that VS makes the bulk of it’s revenue during the holiday season should tell you something: women never buy their crap for themselves. In fact, Target makes a higher-quality bra.

But it gets worse. There is a larger problem that comes from shopping at VS.

Buying a woman cheaply-made, badly-designed (read: uncomfortable) lingerie means you’ve just bought her something only good for use in the bedroom.

This makes it second only to the big-screen TV as the most self-serving of gifts a man can buy.

If you think your woman really was cool when you bought her something from Victoria’s Secret in the past, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she has passive-aggressive tendencies. Or a room-temperature IQ.

Because just about any woman worth buying for sees the VS Christmas gift as a ploy.

And whether you realize it or not, upon receiving your gift, she may very well get mad enough to deny you sex.

How’s that for irony?

And how many relationships fall apart because of sex, or more precisely, lack thereof?

So please don’t fall into their traps. These evil scam artists break up families!

Only slightly less offensive are the scam artists working for Kay Jewelers. Still, their methods are equally shady.

Men know that women love jewelry. What they don’t know is why.

Women see jewelry as an expression of a man’s willingness to endure a sacrifice for the sake of their woman’s happiness. We don’t really want that 2.5-karat engagement ring so we can stare at it all day. After all, diamond jewelry, unlike costume jewelry, is worn not for fashion but for sentimental reasons. The real reason we want that pricey rock is because it tells us that our man thinks we are worth the $25K sacrifice he endured by purchasing it.

More importantly, it tells the world that we are worth it!

Nothing says “My man is poor… and has no taste” like these pebbles!

So when a man buys us something as tacky as Kay Jewelers’ “journey pendant”, which is nothing but small diamond scraps, it tells us, and more importantly the world, that our man thinks we are worth very little.

Add to that the fact that this same pendant can be bought at a jewelry mart in downtown LA for $50, and you’ll understand why no self-respecting woman would wear it regularly.

Which leads me to my next suggestion for all of you gift-challenged dudes: if you must buy jewelry, go downtown and buy the largest solitaire diamond earrings you can afford.

A better choice for your woman (and your libido)

Personally, I’m wearing a pair of 1/2K diamond earrings right now that cost about the price of that hideous journey pendant.

If jewelry isn’t in the cards for you, figure out what kind of perfume your woman wears and buy some. Or better yet, ask her girlfriends what the hot handbag is right now, and get it for her.

But please, do not buy the cheaper version with the slightly different label. It may be the same to you, but I promise, there is a big difference between Gucci and Cucci.

If you want the latter, better spring for the former.

Public Service Announcement complete.

Have a Merry Christmas, and a Vapid New Year!

Vapidly,

Jenna