CW Network Makes a Case for Striking Writers with ‘Crowned’

Two weeks ago, after the (totally fixed) Top Model finale, the CW network did a huge favor to the currently-striking WGA members.

It foretold a chilling tale of the future of broadcasting, barring an end to the strike… sub-par reality TV.

Ladies and Gents, hold your noses for: Crowned, The Mother of All Pageants.

Yes, the show is as insipid as the title suggests. Several pairs of mother-daughter teams live in a cheesy bubblegum-pink “castle” whilst competing against each other, beauty-pageant style.

Slate magazine referred to the contestants like this:

Some were veterans of the tiara circuit, and others were rank amateurs, and most were wearing too much blush. Their universe is gynocentric and homosocial.

True enough, save for one exception: Annette and Alana, the least-vapid (and most out-of-place) team. Mom is a professor, and daughter just seems like a normal, well-educated, non-pageant type of girl. I was looking to these two to give the show a breath of fresh, un-perfumed air.

[Cue ‘Ironic’ by Alanis Morrisette .]

Screech & Mom, The Plagiarizing Bombshells

Instead, they offered comic relief… and an extreme example of what happens when one spends all of one’s time in a book: functional illiteracy.

The teams were given the task of selecting a name that conveyed inner and outer beauty.

The walking-Texas-pageant-cliche types chose predictably bad (but rightfully descriptive) names, like Skin Deep, Hot and Not, and my fave, The Redheaded Bombshells (who, in naming themselves, tried to one-up The Blonde Bombshells). Oh, the Drama!

The Plagiarized Ones

So by the time Annette and Alana came up, I was hoping for something cerebral. In Latin, perhaps? Mom is an Anthropology Professor, after all!

We get to watch them brainstorm. They want something to convey their quiet yet intelligent nature.

We practically see a light bulb form over Daughter’s head.

“Silent but deadly!” she cries.

At this point, I’m prepared to cut her some slack. She is young, after all, and with youth comes naivete.

Silent But Deadly

I’m waiting for Professor Mom to chuckle and explain the fart connotation, perhaps suggesting they call themselves “The Embeletifas instead (latin for quiet and lethal.)

But she does not.

Instead, Professor Mom says “That’s brilliant!”

Cut to the “De-sashing Ceremony”.

There, looking otherwise calm and dignified, stand A & A in twin sashes that say “Silent But Deadly”.

The Judges are visibly trying to hold it in. As if it weren’t enough to have to deliver lines like “One of you will be DE-SASHED!” with gravity, now they have the two most intelligent contestants sporting beauty-queen style sashes with “Silent But Deadly” in scripted font.

Head Judge Shanna Moakler, MTV Star of “Meet The Barkers”, has to be thinking this whole thing is a set-up for “PUNK’D”. She’s not uttering a word.

The honors fall on Carson from Queer Eye, who is visibly appalled at having to say that the name makes him think of (covers face in horror)”Silent smelly farts!”

Poor, poor Mom. Her face was priceless. But on the plus side, the drama surrounding the misguided name kept their team on for another week.

And in the following episode, they showed themselves to be a class-act. Which is another way of saying bo-ring in Reality TV lingo. And boring= eliminated.

If only they had taken a cue from the other black team- the Einsteins who called themselves “Skin Deep” (after the Judges pointed out the absurdity of their name, they changed to “Beauty is Skin Deep” which, you know, shows how much deeper they are.)

Say what you will about these bitches, but they know the Omorosa Law (which dictates that in Reality TV, the Villain(s) will make it to the finals, regardless of performance). Not only did they trash-talk and almost start a fight (I’m guessing that they were cast to fill the stock role of angry black woman squared), but Mom repeatedly flashed her cooch for good measure. How’s that for pageantry?

Despite doing horribly in all of the competitions, as of episode four they are still around. I predict they make it into the finals, which will do even more to de-elevate the show and the status of the reality genre.

Damn, I miss the writers. I miss airwaves that aren’t littered with crap.

So WGA members, relax. The CW network is doing more for your cause than any amount of press could.