ANTM Claire drinks her own breast milk!

To quote The Smiths in Girlfriend in a Coma: I know… it’s really serious!

Wilst in Sydney, I was floored… [seriously, NPI: I loathe puns; I am like waaay smarter than that!]… by how much more model-esque the average 20-40 year old Sydney chick iooks compared to her LA counterpart. And as far as fashionista bragging rights go, it’s almost a toss-up between Ms. Sydney and Ms. NYC– which is, like, the self-proclaimed fashion capital of the world, no less!

Still, that’s no excuse for what you tube has enabled millions of us to discover: when it comes to having girls with true modeling potential, ANTM is to AusNTM what Barbizon is to Elite. Or what H&M is to Prada. What Bop! is to Elle.

Want Evidence? At least two ANTM winners have been under 5′7. The casting directors on AusNTM won’t even talk to you unless you are taller than that. Because in the real world, no decent agency will, either- not if you want to model clothes!

Naturally, I have sooo much more to say on this most serious of topics.

But it will have to wait, because I’m still not unpacked.

Until then, “self-soothe” with this most maternal 9-second clip of the face-planter, as she readies herself to drink from her own busom (with the aid of a pump, of course).

Don’t mother nature and modern technology= a fierce coupling?

[If you can't get the clip to play, click on this link]

Hmmm… do ya think they selected her because she makes for good TV?

Nah–she’s clearly got HUGE modeling potential. That is the new face of Chanel, people. Claudia Schiffer , Keira Knightley… and Claire from ANTM.

Fellow Vapid Culturists:

Please excuse my protracted absence. I was stuck on another continent… well, except for the stuck part.

In my defense, I did manage to discover the fountain of youth while away!

Q: How does one avoid turning 30, 35 and (quelle horreur!) beyond?

A: Fly to Australia the day before you birthday!

Not because you’ll die on the way, phobies! It’s so you can cross the dateline and skip one day entirely-a date of your choosing.

For Example, let’s say that, like moi, you were to:

• Fly out of LAX March 14th @ 8AM,
• arrive in Sydney 13 hrs later @ 9PM
• on March 15th 16th.

This would have made you too a very wise person, for you also would have heeded the immortal words of Ceasar: “Beware the Ides of March, especially when it means turning 30 and over.”

Clever plan, no? Okay, so maybe it’s not quite the fountain of youth, but it’s a valuable tool in the fight against awareness of aging.

Lest you think I’m entirely self-obsessed, I’ll have you know I had other reasons for going to Oz.

I wanted to visit places of historical and cultural significance… like the house where The Real World, Sydney was filmed.

For those of you who remain blissfully clueless on the matter, here’s the rundown on fat-gate. In short, it started with the National Enquirer running a picture of a cellulite-happy Miss thang in a bathing suit (while she was filming America’s Next Top Model 8 in Sydney). How did it end? Well, it wasn’t pretty. For a number of reasons. But you’ll have to watch the 6-second clip to fully appreciate it.

Why did it get so ugly? Well, admittedly, certain vapid bloggers made several catty comments in between. Which, I admit, is a terrible thing to do to a woman of such understated dignity:

Yes, that is Tyra Banks dancing around in a headless kangaroo costume.
And yes, I was able to resist the temptation to purchase one of my own at the airport, even though it was duty-free!

All in all, this trip was vapidly awesome enough to warrant further postings. Postings in which I shall share all of the critical, life-changing insights gained.

For instance, did you realize that calling an Aussie politician a “friend of Bush” is like calling him a child molester? For reals.

Also, believe it or not, in Sydney itself virtually no one has heard of The Real World, Sydney. And naturally, Mtv, Inc. had a reputation for being avaricious, just like they do in the US. In this land where toilets flush backward and Christmas takes place in the summertime, it’s nice to know that you can always count on Mtv to remain cheap!