Fame Makes Fergie’s Roots= Baldness from Bulimia or Meth

A few years back, a study appeared that young girls would rather be a celebrity assistant than a Senator. Apparently people under a particular age think fame is the end-all, be-all (to the point where cleaning up a famous person’s dog crap is something to aspire to.)

Well I, for one, am very glad I’m not famous. Because when you are famous (and dare to sport blond roots), this is what happens to you:

The evil tabs say you are going bald from hair extensions, when in fact, all you did was dye your hair many shades darker than your natural color and miss a touch-up appointment.

Ladies (and gents, if that’s how you roll), let this be a lesson to you. If you are going to go dark, be religious about touch-ups. Dark roots are expected. Blond roots, however, are foreign (and therefore odd-looking), giving evil-doers the perfect opening to slander your good name.

Trust me: I once toyed with Fergie’s current hair color (if her roots are any indicator, we share the same natural coloring). As soon as my blond roots became visible, the rumors started to spread: apparently, I was balding… from bulimia!

Hey, didn’t Fergie admit blaming crystal meth-induced side effects on bulimia once?

Hmmm….

And so it begins.

And so I say to the young girls represented in the aforementioned study: Enduring this kind of BS is bad enough when you can switch schools!

I don’t get it. People will do anything to become famous– like make out with vile creatures on Vh1 dating shows.

For free.

Can anyone explain this?

Kimora Lee Simmons debuts the world’s tackiest clothing collection, ‘Fabulosity’. If only her taste level were as developed as her penchant for irony.

Bad things happen when people access too much money too fast.

Some gamble it all away, white-trash lottery-winner style.

Some buy overvalued homes, only to lose them 6 months later to foreclosure.

And then there are the most selfish, most socially irresponsible of all- those who use said funds to create multiples in their own name, littering the world with reminders of their bad judgment for generations still! And these lil’ monsters aint pretty. But they are pervasive… like the smell of rotten eggs, or the mug of Ryan Seacrest. Monsters as socially conscious as Ted Nugent and Kathy Lee Gifford’s would-be offspring… (Widespread child labor happening now! Airheaded denial statement by publicist to be issued shortly!)

Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, it is my honor to present the most recent monster brainchild/brand of Kimora Lee Simmons, ex-wife of Russel Simmons. (And future Baby-Momma to Djimon Hounsou).

What, did you think I was bashing to the helpless offspring of Octomom, after all the poor woman has been through? Shame on you!

It is named “Fabulosity” and it is priced such that it may be consumed by the masses.

Notice the verbiage “most recent”?

Indeed, she has unleashed previous monsters brands upon us, which explains quite a lot.

Like why this particular one is so fugly.

The last major monster of consequence she birthed, Baby Phat, is comprised of some serious ugly (to quote the coolest Project Runway contestant ever, Laura Bennet). Meaning that she has quite a low point from which to jump off.

Now that she’s popping out a monster that will sell for half the price of BP, the only way to avoid undercutting Baby Phat is to make the newbie half as appealing.

Or twice as fug, as the case may be…

And, in fact, is.

If this was the goal, kudos to Kimora on a bang-up job!

How did she do it?!

I envision a cami-and-shorts dressed Kimora, hair-in-bun, glasses on, pen in hand, sitting cross-legged on her fabulous pink ruffled Dollywood-on-acid bed getup among a stack of Glamour magazines,  feverishly scanning the “do’s and don’ts” section of each issue for ideas. You know, the section where they black out the offenders’ eyes to protect their identities?

Which actually inspires me a little. Kimora, as you know, is every girl’s idol. And I certainly want to take my cues from her whenever possible. So I think, working backwards, that I’ll try to imagine WTF Kimora was thinking when she designed these outfits, in “don’t” form.

Except these clothes are so heinous–and taking people’s hard-earned recessionary dollars in return for swathing them in these clownsuits is so morally wrong… it’s time for veritible fashion martial law!
I only wish I were an officer for the fashion police so I could dutifully issue this citation, using said “don’ts” as specific violations:

• FASHION VIOLATION#1: Indecent exposure 103.21: Display of 24-K Trump/Hussein-Style gold paint accessories (exceptionally tacky accessories per USFC 210.1)*
• FASHION VIOLATION #2: Indecent exposure 103.21: Display of tone-on-tone clothing.**
• FASHION VIOLATION #3: Indecent exposure 103.21: Display of universally unflattering jeans per USFC 215.3 (70’s throwbacks)
• FASHION DON’T #4: Indecent exposure 103.21: Display of tacky iron-on style decal on a shirt.***
• FASHION DON’T #5: Indecent exposure 103.21: Displaying knit clothing item with built-in hardware
• FASHION DON’T #6: Indecent exposure 103.21: Display of schizophrenic tank/short sleeve shirt

*Per U.S. Fashion Code, this fine tripled due to presence of 2 or more offending items on the same person.
**Per U.S. Fashion Code, this fine doubled due to presence of exceptionally ugly tone per USFC 212.3 (mustard).
***Per U.S. Fashion Code, this fine doubled due to presence of contextually ugly tone present on decal per USFC 213.1 (gold).

Can we just talk about that chain-link schizo tank/short sleeve shirt thing for a moment? I believe she is trying to rip off the wide-yolked knit top concept here, except she was just a little off in her formula. Instead of using the time honored couture formula that says sexy = innuendo, she went with sexy= Jersey Shore streetwalker.

Tres Innovative, Kimora!

Now as far as I can tell, the wide-yolked shirt evolved from Flashdance, and is supposed to pseudo-unintentionally flash just a piece of brastrap or leotard or tanktop. Innuendo. It is not supposed to be held up by it– on both sides– as part of the same shirt! Can You say Jersey shore streetwalker chic?

And now for the rest of the citation… as you can see, the fines would be hefty. And plentiful.

In fact, I’m thinking, with Fabulosity alone, we could pay for the trillion dollar bailout! No really! Follow me here:

What if fashion police really existed, and we punished bad fashion like we currently punish, say, bad weed? (Rather approppo, I reckon, once you recall Kimora’s bust for posessing the ganja… which she promptly turned into bad fashion, forcing her models to walk the runway sporting t-shirts with her mugshot!)

Now who wouldn't pay to wear that on their chest?

But I digress. To recap: fashion is the ganja. Which makes Kimora the cartel (being responsible for cultivation and initial distribution). Translation: major fine and/or jail time. Of course, I doubt that we could convince the public to actually jail people for polluting our collective field of vision, so the fine will have to do. But please! Tie her design-tubes so she doesn’t give birth to any more of these monsters of fashion!

As the dealer distributor, JcPenney Stores would pay a reasonable fine as well.

Anyone caught posessing or disrespecting her body by using wearing this crap would receive yet a smaller fine. After all, we don’t want to fine the users too bad when what they really need is fashion rehab. Come on people… they are victims too. Okay, so they hurt society far more than they hurt themselves. But please, have some sympathy!

As long as we continue to idolize the unworthy, we will suffer the consequences of their unjust wealth. So if you spot some serious ugly/a fashion violation/evidence of monsters in the wake, do your part and speak up!

Remember… Only you can put these quasi-celeb fashion lines out of business!

Reality TV Whores: Project Runway 4 – Match the Designer to the Stereotype

So Hallelujah, Hollaback y’all, ProjRun is back on the air! Oh Bitchiness, backstabbing, drama-queen tirades– how we’ve missed you!!

Unfortunately, after watching the premiere I was struck with how formulaic this show this is. But then, isn’t every competitive reality show formulaic by definition?

Back in the good ol’ days of Wendy Pepper, I was quick to observe the Omorosa Law in action on PR (“the villain” always makes it to the end, regardless of performance). This much is to be expected. But in the grand tradition of Santino, ProjRun producers have taken formulaic reality show mainstays (like the Omorosa Law) to a new level of absurdity. In fact, last season they changed the rules in order to keep the villain in the finale!

To recap: it’s the last challenge before the finals. There are exactly three spots for finalists. Our Villain, Jeffrey, churns out a design that the judges loathe. Any way you slice it, his work is clearly inferior to that of at least 3 other designers.

It came down to the Rules versus The Law. And in more ways than one, The Omorosa Law is like Newton’s Third Law of Motion (“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”). See, the Omorosa Law is omnipresent, unchangeable, and paradoxical. Much like Omorosa herself. Whereas The Rules, much like the book of the same name, are easily modifiable when they don’t serve a higher purpose, like getting some action (in the case of the book) or creating engaging television (in the case of Reality TV– because as we all know, reality can bore. And bite.)

Needless to say, The Rules were broken. Three spots in the finale became four.

Because Heidi couldn’t very well tell the audience “We must honor the Omorosa Law and put Jeffrey The Villain in the finale”, she explained the mysterious rule change by telling the designers, “We want to see more from four of you this time,” to hell with the rules. The Law takes precedence, because the penalty for disobeying this law is death by cancellation!

Apparently the Laws of Reality Television extend into every realm of production, most notably casting and character development. Or, because audiences of the MTV generation and beyond are trigger-happy (remote-ly speaking), writers find it easier to simply use stock characters and minimize the whole task of character development.

Writers? Character development? I thought we were talking about Reality Television?

Indeed.

It’s not like the reality genre was very real to begin with, but this season, the only difference between reality shows and scripted ones appears to be which union the respective writers belong to.

Hmmm… I think I smell the start of a conspiracy theory here! If slimy producer-types continue to blur the lines between scripted and ‘reality’ programs, they will be able to get away with hiring writers despite the strike.

In order to stay on the air, Desperate Housewives needs writers? No problem! Just add some cast members from the Real Housewives of Orange County and viola! It’s now a reality show, governed by a different writers’ union (which is not on strike!)

In other words, producers can avoid the certain poverty that would undoubtedly result from signing a contract that gives writers residuals from downloads!

See, you knew it all came down to money!

Ahh, but writing is not the only part of production where fat can be trimmed. Casting presents opportunities as well!

Take the current manner in which scripted shows are cast. The casting director will put out a call for an actor, specifying the requirements for the part. These blurbs are published daily in a document known as the breakdowns. A typical entry goes like so:

Now Casting for THE OFFICE (SAG). PART: Michael Scott’s escort-cum-girlfriend. Asian female. Age range: 19-26. Height: 5′1-5′5. Special requirements: capable of speaking in a convincing Kolean diarect. Recurring Role. Contact Alestair Bernstein, Central Casting.

Now take the way reality shows are currently cast. Random people send in tapes, and casting directors spend hours searching through the rubble to find the right people to fill the requisite roles. C’est tres inefficiente. Because of the wasted time involved in this process, I predict that it is a mere matter of time until the creation of a second version of The Breakdowns- The Reality Edition.

Now casting for PR 4 (Non-Union): Lovable Fat Guy with design talent. Age range: 25-40. White with brown hair and goatee. 5′5-5′9, 190-250 lbs. Flamboyantly gay, SNAG-type with bitchy capabilities. Dresses women far better than self. Role originally played and honed by Jay Mc Carroll, winner of season one.

Lovable Fat Guys
Jay from S1, the original LFG	This season’s Jay, Chris the LFG

Of course, it’s possible that these breakdowns are already in use. How else could they have found such a perfect LFG?

Some of the less well-developed roles are of the bread-and-butter variety. They’re not as hard to fill, but in the interest of finding the best possible talent in the most efficient manner, Reality Breakdowns should be used! As In:

Now Casting for PR 4 (Non-Union): “The Villain”. Principal role, recurring through the last episode/season finale. Solid design talent required. Must be able to develop smarmy, unlikeable persona. Required to ad-lib condescending, unrepentant insults at regular intervals. Sorry, no writer’s credit will be given. Must have solid design talent, as this See Jeffrey (Season 3), Santino (Season 2), and Wendy Pepper (Season 1).

As the show progresses, it will be fun to play “match the contestant with the role”. Given previous casting formulas, I imagine a call, however veiled, went out for the following roles (along with examples of previous actors/contestants):

The Lovable Fat Guy	The Airy-Fairy	The Martyr	The Neurotic’s Neurotic
Jay from S1	Andrae from S2	Daniel Franco, S1&S2	Angela from S3
“I’m just here on personality!”	“Where is my chiffon?!”	“I’d rather go home than allow my teammates to!”	“But I like Holly Hobby!”

The Creepy Diva	The Uber-talented but Marginally-Entertaining Underdog	The Marginally-Talented but Uber-Charming Bullshitter
Malan from S3	Uli from S3	Robert from S1
“I’m bet-tah thun they ahh {creepy Dr. Evil laugh}”	TIM GUNN:”Uli, DON’T BORE NINA!!”	“A classic sports car and a woman are very much alike!”

The Queen
Austin Scarlett from S1	Kayne from S3
Specialty: Costume Design for the Theater	Specialty: Costume Design for Pageants

The Villain
Wendy Pepper from S1	Santino Rice from S2	Jeffrey Sebelia from S3
“I do feel kind of bad for using my role as Mother to manipulate…”	“I’m SORRY– SORRY, NIN-AHH!”	(After making Angela’s Mom cry):”That dumb bitch just told Tim she hates the fabric I’m using!”

It’s still pretty early to say who got cast in what role this season. But if past seasons have taught us anything it’s this: The Villain and The Queen will have longevity!