Doc, there’s something in my Botox! Madamism Strikes Hollywood

As noted in my last post, everyone you see on television makes money with their looks. If you have a but-her face, it doesn’t matter how talented you are; no one wants to watch you on their screen. Or at least that’s how casting directors see things.

So it’s no surprise that most, if not all TV actors follow the sage advice of their respective managers and do whatever necessary to try and hold on to their looks.

Ever notice how soap actors don’t seem to age at all? No, they are not living on a zero-gravity planet; they are living in the offices of good, subtle Dermatologists and Plastic Surgeons. But sometimes, as in the case of Kanye West’s mom, things go awry.

Fortunately, ‘awry’ usually doesn’t equal death. Sometimes it equals caricature-ism: stars end up looking like a cross between the Joker and a blowfish. Or like a tranny puppet… but more on that later.

No single soap actor illustrates this point quite like Hunter Tylo. Remember her? She sued Aaron Spelling for sex discrimination and won approximately one zillion dollars. Sadly, she just lost a son to a seizure disorder (for which she is suing his therapist.)

With all of those lawsuit winnings, one would expect her to seek out the best Plastic Surgeon known to man.

Instead, she appears to have visited Dr. Frankenstein.

It doesn’t add up. I smell a rat!

Could it be that Hunter, overcome with grief, decided she wants to quit the biz without forfeiting future earnings?

If a Plastic Surgeon were to ruin her face, he’d be responsible for her inability to work ever again…. ka-ching! Problem solved!

Honestly, I’d believe this sue-happy explanation if I hadn’t seen this effect on stars elsewhere. Whatever it is, it seems to strike suddenly, without warning. One day you look normal, and the next… you look like Priscilla Presley, circa 2007. Or Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Could it be that there is a vicious disease striking middle-aged actors?

In fact, there is. It is what cityrag calls Madamism. It’s too early to know for sure, but it appears to be transmitted through contaminated Botox and/or scalpels, primarily in the Los Angeles metro area.

Madamism is named for Madame (from Wayland Flowers and Madame), the transvestite puppet who appeared on Solid Gold, Hollywood Squares and had a short lived TV show, Madames Place.

Check out this photo compilation (from cityrag) and venture a guess: which one is Madame?

HINT: it’s not the woman on the left. Don’t let the size of the photo fool you!

Still not sure? Maybe it’s one of these:

This phenomenon is really sad, because when done properly, plastic-procedures really can appear to stop time.

Just look at Cindy Crawford, 15 years ago (with Gere) and now (with Gerber).

If everyone in Hollywood would convert to Cindy’s Dermo and/or Plastic Surgeon, any and all new cases of Madamism could be avoided!

Sadly, for those already infected, the prognosis is as uncertain as their prospects for future acting jobs.

While reconstructive surgeons can offer some  help in treating Madamism, advanced cases do not respond well to any sort of treatment.

But this need not necessarily equal death for the victim’s acting career!

Some victims may be able to continue to find acting work portraying very narrow types of characters. To wit: Mickey Rourke was spot-on as a meth-lab ‘cook’ in Spun!

This may actually be good news for the Madamism victim who has complained that she never gets taken seriously as an actor. If Nicole Kidman can win an Oscar due to an unsightly prosthetic nose, imagine what Madamism can do!

Of course, there’s the undeniable fact that most victims only found work due to their pre-Madamism looks. Put another way, their ‘craft’ was not acting, it was looking good in front of the camera.

Not to worry. These Madamism victims still have somewhere to turn when it comes time to pay the Malibu mortgage…

Paging Hunter Tylo’s lawyer!