Reality TV Whores: Project Runway 4 – Match the Designer to the Stereotype

So Hallelujah, Hollaback y’all, ProjRun is back on the air! Oh Bitchiness, backstabbing, drama-queen tirades– how we’ve missed you!!

Unfortunately, after watching the premiere I was struck with how formulaic this show this is. But then, isn’t every competitive reality show formulaic by definition?

Back in the good ol’ days of Wendy Pepper, I was quick to observe the Omorosa Law in action on PR (“the villain” always makes it to the end, regardless of performance). This much is to be expected. But in the grand tradition of Santino, ProjRun producers have taken formulaic reality show mainstays (like the Omorosa Law) to a new level of absurdity. In fact, last season they changed the rules in order to keep the villain in the finale!

To recap: it’s the last challenge before the finals. There are exactly three spots for finalists. Our Villain, Jeffrey, churns out a design that the judges loathe. Any way you slice it, his work is clearly inferior to that of at least 3 other designers.

It came down to the Rules versus The Law. And in more ways than one, The Omorosa Law is like Newton’s Third Law of Motion (“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”). See, the Omorosa Law is omnipresent, unchangeable, and paradoxical. Much like Omorosa herself. Whereas The Rules, much like the book of the same name, are easily modifiable when they don’t serve a higher purpose, like getting some action (in the case of the book) or creating engaging television (in the case of Reality TV– because as we all know, reality can bore. And bite.)

Needless to say, The Rules were broken. Three spots in the finale became four.

Because Heidi couldn’t very well tell the audience “We must honor the Omorosa Law and put Jeffrey The Villain in the finale”, she explained the mysterious rule change by telling the designers, “We want to see more from four of you this time,” to hell with the rules. The Law takes precedence, because the penalty for disobeying this law is death by cancellation!

Apparently the Laws of Reality Television extend into every realm of production, most notably casting and character development. Or, because audiences of the MTV generation and beyond are trigger-happy (remote-ly speaking), writers find it easier to simply use stock characters and minimize the whole task of character development.

Writers? Character development? I thought we were talking about Reality Television?

Indeed.

It’s not like the reality genre was very real to begin with, but this season, the only difference between reality shows and scripted ones appears to be which union the respective writers belong to.

Hmmm… I think I smell the start of a conspiracy theory here! If slimy producer-types continue to blur the lines between scripted and ‘reality’ programs, they will be able to get away with hiring writers despite the strike.

In order to stay on the air, Desperate Housewives needs writers? No problem! Just add some cast members from the Real Housewives of Orange County and viola! It’s now a reality show, governed by a different writers’ union (which is not on strike!)

In other words, producers can avoid the certain poverty that would undoubtedly result from signing a contract that gives writers residuals from downloads!

See, you knew it all came down to money!

Ahh, but writing is not the only part of production where fat can be trimmed. Casting presents opportunities as well!

Take the current manner in which scripted shows are cast. The casting director will put out a call for an actor, specifying the requirements for the part. These blurbs are published daily in a document known as the breakdowns. A typical entry goes like so:

Now Casting for THE OFFICE (SAG). PART: Michael Scott’s escort-cum-girlfriend. Asian female. Age range: 19-26. Height: 5′1-5′5. Special requirements: capable of speaking in a convincing Kolean diarect. Recurring Role. Contact Alestair Bernstein, Central Casting.

Now take the way reality shows are currently cast. Random people send in tapes, and casting directors spend hours searching through the rubble to find the right people to fill the requisite roles. C’est tres inefficiente. Because of the wasted time involved in this process, I predict that it is a mere matter of time until the creation of a second version of The Breakdowns- The Reality Edition.

Now casting for PR 4 (Non-Union): Lovable Fat Guy with design talent. Age range: 25-40. White with brown hair and goatee. 5′5-5′9, 190-250 lbs. Flamboyantly gay, SNAG-type with bitchy capabilities. Dresses women far better than self. Role originally played and honed by Jay Mc Carroll, winner of season one.

Lovable Fat Guys
Jay from S1, the original LFG	This season’s Jay, Chris the LFG

Of course, it’s possible that these breakdowns are already in use. How else could they have found such a perfect LFG?

Some of the less well-developed roles are of the bread-and-butter variety. They’re not as hard to fill, but in the interest of finding the best possible talent in the most efficient manner, Reality Breakdowns should be used! As In:

Now Casting for PR 4 (Non-Union): “The Villain”. Principal role, recurring through the last episode/season finale. Solid design talent required. Must be able to develop smarmy, unlikeable persona. Required to ad-lib condescending, unrepentant insults at regular intervals. Sorry, no writer’s credit will be given. Must have solid design talent, as this See Jeffrey (Season 3), Santino (Season 2), and Wendy Pepper (Season 1).

As the show progresses, it will be fun to play “match the contestant with the role”. Given previous casting formulas, I imagine a call, however veiled, went out for the following roles (along with examples of previous actors/contestants):

The Lovable Fat Guy	The Airy-Fairy	The Martyr	The Neurotic’s Neurotic
Jay from S1	Andrae from S2	Daniel Franco, S1&S2	Angela from S3
“I’m just here on personality!”	“Where is my chiffon?!”	“I’d rather go home than allow my teammates to!”	“But I like Holly Hobby!”

The Creepy Diva	The Uber-talented but Marginally-Entertaining Underdog	The Marginally-Talented but Uber-Charming Bullshitter
Malan from S3	Uli from S3	Robert from S1
“I’m bet-tah thun they ahh {creepy Dr. Evil laugh}”	TIM GUNN:”Uli, DON’T BORE NINA!!”	“A classic sports car and a woman are very much alike!”

The Queen
Austin Scarlett from S1	Kayne from S3
Specialty: Costume Design for the Theater	Specialty: Costume Design for Pageants

The Villain
Wendy Pepper from S1	Santino Rice from S2	Jeffrey Sebelia from S3
“I do feel kind of bad for using my role as Mother to manipulate…”	“I’m SORRY– SORRY, NIN-AHH!”	(After making Angela’s Mom cry):”That dumb bitch just told Tim she hates the fabric I’m using!”

It’s still pretty early to say who got cast in what role this season. But if past seasons have taught us anything it’s this: The Villain and The Queen will have longevity!