Witness this picture of a smiling Britney, on her way to the hospital for a 72-hour mental health hold.

Now answer the following question:

Does Britney appear to be:

a. inappropriately happy because she’s under the influence of drugs?

b. inappropriately happy because she’s having a manic episode or is otherwise mental?

c. None of the above; she’s perfectly rational. Leave Britney alone!!

Answer: b.

That’s right bitches, I was correct. As the LAPD confirmed, Britney’s drug test at Cedar’s came back negative.

How embarrassing for the cops at the scene! They very publicly reported that Brit was under the influence of an”unknown substance” and now, they very publicly will be shown to have been wrong… unless you count her ‘unique brain chemistry’ as an unknown substance.

What I don’t understand is how these supposed experts could have come to such a misguided conclusion when I, a mere civilian who wasn’t even there, knew better?

Look at the picture again. Obviously she looks disheveled, but check out her eyes. They aren’t the crazy-eyes of someone on uppers like meth or coke, and they’re not red like those of someone who has smoked pot.

Yes, she was acting weird, but aren’t cops trained to recognize causes for strange behavior, besides drugs?

Still, for the sake of the kids,I almost wish that the test had come back positive, preferably for something hallucinogenic, because that would explain her reported behavior.

I read somewhere (TMZ?) that she locked herself in the bathroom with one of her kids and threatened murder-suicide. Hopefully this is a gross exaggeration, but in any case, she was not acting well.

If drugs had been the reason for her behavior, at least the effects would have worn off. Mental illness is much less predictable.

Ironically, drugs are exactly what Britney needs to get well. Lithium, to be exact. Perhaps Risperadol as well? Unfortunately she’s surrounded herself exclusively with ass-kissers who’re on her payroll and therefore unlikely to suggest anything that may piss her off, like pharmaceutical intervention.

I never thought I’d write this, but it’s too bad stage-mother-of-the-year Lynne Spears is out of the picture. If nothing else, she cares about Britney’s earning potential (she gets 15%), so she’d be likely to push Britney to take her meds.

Then again, Britney did cut Lynne out of her life recently– right after she started acting nutty. Who’s to say that’s not exactly what happened?

There I was, all decked out in a little black dress at 2AM, pumping gas in Santa Monica. I think I was returning from a Holiday party. A group of teenage boys pulled up at the next pump, and shouted while pointing in my direction.

They said “Look, it’s Britney Spears!”

They presumably meant it as a compliment, as this was four years ago.

Even still, I was somewhat offended.

Not that I’m the world’s best judge of character or anything, but I always thought of Brit as trailer-trash. After all, you can take the girl out of white-trash-Louisiana, but you can’t take the trash out of the girl.

And now her sister, 16-year old Jamie-Lynn Spears, is pregnant! As one of the tabloids pointed out, teen pregnancy is more common in Louisiana than average.

Recent drama involving trainwrecks named Spears got me thinking, about how deceptive (albeit well-crafted) celebrities’ public personas are.

It makes sense, of course– celebrities do hire slick publicity firms for this very purpose.

But still, disasters arise when publicists do their jobs too well, by building an image for the celeb that’s at odds with who they really are.

The problem is, sooner or later, true colors shine through. The carefully created public facade gets cracked, and everyone acts as if it’s a huge shock.

Jamie-Lynn had her own show on Nickelodeon!

Britney was a Musketeer!

Lindsay Lohan was a Disney Star!

How could these girls end up arrested, drug-addicted and/or and pregnant?!

Easily and predictably, that’s how. All three of them are children of stage mothers. At the end of the day, they were kids allowed to run free in the very adult candy store that’s Hollywood.

They fell victim to a parenting style that kissed their collective asses in order to keep them happy (and allow Mom to keep collecting that 15% ‘Manager’s Fee’).

And now it looks as if Britney has really lost it.

As reported early Friday morning,

Police were called to Britney Spears’ home in a custodial dispute that lasted for nearly three hours before the intoxicated singer reportedly turned over her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline.

Aerial footage from local television stations showed Spears being lifted into an ambulance on a trolley. It was unclear where she was being taken.

[Officer Jason Lee said] Spears was under the influence of an unknown substance, and no injuries were reported.

The incident involved a family dispute that police worked to resolve “peacefully by court order”, he said.

An Associated Press photographer outside the gated community that includes Spears’ house saw six police cars, an ambulance and a fire engine enter around 10.30pm.

Spears and Federline are fighting over custody of their sons, two-year-old Sean Preston and one-year-old Jayden James.

Spears called in sick for a December 12 court-ordered deposition, but was photographed that day driving with a friend. She also didn’t show up for a session on Wednesday, Kaplan said.

Spears’ lawyers from the firm Trope and Trope on Wednesday filed a court motion asking to be relieved due to a “breakdown” in communication with their client.

Personally, I think the ‘unknown substance’ is unadulterated bad brain chemistry. After watching others with this condition, I think she’s severely Bipolar, because some of the crazed behavior she’s exhibited happened just prior to passing a drug test.

But at the root of her problems– losing her kids and now her lawyers– lies something unrelated to bad mental wiring.

She’s not used to hearing the word “no”. No one around her is allowed to tell her she’s off her rocker, or they’ll be replaced.

Ergo, not only is she acting insane, but she has no idea how bad she looks, because she’s surrounded by nothing but ass-kissers who are on her payroll.

As fun as these trainwrecks are to watch, this one makes me sad. One can only hope that US Magazine’s ‘Shame on Lynne Spears’ cover story has the effect of shaming other stage mothers, before they ruin their children’s lives.

Sadly, for the offspring of Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears, it’s probably too late.