It’s NOT Bad Plastic Surgery! New Disease Offers Explanation for Jackson Oddities

A new type of Vitiligo?

Yesterday my eyes were assaulted while reading jezebel,  the virtual equivalent of  Jane Magazine [R.I.P.] (+) US Weekly (-) Glamour.  Jezebel’s tag-line is “Celebrity, sex, fashion. Without airbrushing.“ 

Given the context, you can imagine how unsettling it was to stumble upon the (presumably non-airbrushed) image of Janet Jackson on the left.

Apparently, when your last name is Jackson, every day is Halloween [cue Ministry song of the same name].

It’s one thing to catch a bad case of Madamism at the Plastic Surgeon’s office, but the Jacksons seem to be subject to a disease that makes Madamism seem entirely benevolent: Trans-col-o-sex-us (TCS).

On the upside, we now have a perfectly rational explanation for the Jacksons’ spontaneously mutating bodies, lily-white offspring, inappropriate bed-sharing, and devastatingly inappropriate fashion choices!

Check out the presentation below and become enlightened:

WARNING: Do not fall asleep within 30 minutes of viewing; this is high-octane nightmare fuel.

Vapidly,

Jenna

Doc, there’s something in my Botox! Madamism Strikes Hollywood

As noted in my last post, everyone you see on television makes money with their looks. If you have a but-her face, it doesn’t matter how talented you are; no one wants to watch you on their screen. Or at least that’s how casting directors see things.

So it’s no surprise that most, if not all TV actors follow the sage advice of their respective managers and do whatever necessary to try and hold on to their looks.

Ever notice how soap actors don’t seem to age at all? No, they are not living on a zero-gravity planet; they are living in the offices of good, subtle Dermatologists and Plastic Surgeons. But sometimes, as in the case of Kanye West’s mom, things go awry.

Fortunately, ‘awry’ usually doesn’t equal death. Sometimes it equals caricature-ism: stars end up looking like a cross between the Joker and a blowfish. Or like a tranny puppet… but more on that later.

No single soap actor illustrates this point quite like Hunter Tylo. Remember her? She sued Aaron Spelling for sex discrimination and won approximately one zillion dollars. Sadly, she just lost a son to a seizure disorder (for which she is suing his therapist.)

With all of those lawsuit winnings, one would expect her to seek out the best Plastic Surgeon known to man.

Instead, she appears to have visited Dr. Frankenstein.

It doesn’t add up. I smell a rat!

Could it be that Hunter, overcome with grief, decided she wants to quit the biz without forfeiting future earnings?

If a Plastic Surgeon were to ruin her face, he’d be responsible for her inability to work ever again…. ka-ching! Problem solved!

Honestly, I’d believe this sue-happy explanation if I hadn’t seen this effect on stars elsewhere. Whatever it is, it seems to strike suddenly, without warning. One day you look normal, and the next… you look like Priscilla Presley, circa 2007. Or Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Could it be that there is a vicious disease striking middle-aged actors?

In fact, there is. It is what cityrag calls Madamism. It’s too early to know for sure, but it appears to be transmitted through contaminated Botox and/or scalpels, primarily in the Los Angeles metro area.

Madamism is named for Madame (from Wayland Flowers and Madame), the transvestite puppet who appeared on Solid Gold, Hollywood Squares and had a short lived TV show, Madames Place.

Check out this photo compilation (from cityrag) and venture a guess: which one is Madame?

HINT: it’s not the woman on the left. Don’t let the size of the photo fool you!

Still not sure? Maybe it’s one of these:

This phenomenon is really sad, because when done properly, plastic-procedures really can appear to stop time.

Just look at Cindy Crawford, 15 years ago (with Gere) and now (with Gerber).

If everyone in Hollywood would convert to Cindy’s Dermo and/or Plastic Surgeon, any and all new cases of Madamism could be avoided!

Sadly, for those already infected, the prognosis is as uncertain as their prospects for future acting jobs.

While reconstructive surgeons can offer some  help in treating Madamism, advanced cases do not respond well to any sort of treatment.

But this need not necessarily equal death for the victim’s acting career!

Some victims may be able to continue to find acting work portraying very narrow types of characters. To wit: Mickey Rourke was spot-on as a meth-lab ‘cook’ in Spun!

This may actually be good news for the Madamism victim who has complained that she never gets taken seriously as an actor. If Nicole Kidman can win an Oscar due to an unsightly prosthetic nose, imagine what Madamism can do!

Of course, there’s the undeniable fact that most victims only found work due to their pre-Madamism looks. Put another way, their ‘craft’ was not acting, it was looking good in front of the camera.

Not to worry. These Madamism victims still have somewhere to turn when it comes time to pay the Malibu mortgage…

Paging Hunter Tylo’s lawyer!

US Magazine reveals A-List Celebrity Plastic Surgery… This is news?

US Weekly is sporting a cover this week with earth-shattering news: celebrities get plastic surgery! A-listers, even!!

Why anyone would be surprised by this– you mean people that make their living off of their looks get work done?– is really the only interesting thing about this cover.

Now I did spend almost 2 years living in LA– working in the entertainment industry even– so I may have a skewed view here.

But it really is just common sense.

Not to mention tax deductible (just like the cost of J-Lo’s butt insurance)! As it should be.

A commercial real estate broker gets a deduction for the face lift on his strip mall, right? Why shouldn’t Teri Hatcher be entitled to the same?

So if it’s just business, why do celebs consistently lie about having work done?

As any decent publicist will tell you, a celeb’s success or failure is determined by the public’s ability to relate to them.

Stars! They’re just like US!!

Except they get to write off the cost of tabloid subscriptions and plastic surgery come April 15.

But I digress.

Admitting to plastic surgery consumption is considered a no-no because of fears that said public will think a star is ‘fake’. Of course, if the work is obvious and not explainable otherwise (like Star Jones’s weight loss or Ashlee Simpson’s schozz) it becomes necessary to cop to it… but only as a last resort.

To wit: how long did we have to listen to Ms. Jones droll on about Pilates as she shrank before our eyes on The View? And we all know how that turned out.

Yes, she eventually copped to the gastro-bypass surgery… while trying to gain public goodwill in order to promote her talk show/book/whatever. Needless to say, whatever it was bombed.

After all, while it’s one thing to be ‘fake’, nothing inspires public hatred like being branded a liar. Michael Jackson, anyone?

In the end, if a celeb must cop to plastic surgery, said celeb is better off if he or she can manage to remain relate-able in the process.

Pseudo-celeb/publicity whore Heidi Montag did this beautifully: Revenge Plastic Surgery! She finagled a cover-story and maybe even elicited sympathy:

“The boys in high school made fun of my flat chest!”

Being the subject of ridicule in High School? Now who can’t relate to that?

“I hated my body!”

Hatred of one’s own body? The horror!  Pass the Kleenex!

Of course, everyone knows The Hills is fake… and Heidi’s ‘engagement’ is too (let’s hope- have you seen the ring?)

So maybe she figured she had nothing to lose and everything to gain here? Everyone already thought she was fake, and sort of felt sorry for her, because she’s engaged to a psychotic douche-bag.

And it’s much easier to relate to those you sympathize with. That, my friends, is another publicist’s maxim.

In closing, I’d like to share a little gem I learned whilst working in the Industry: If no one knows you had anything done, it is not plastic surgery. You are genetically blessed… with brains that told you to go to the subtle Plastic Surgeon. But still.

Ooh, and Kyra Sedgwick is right. Botox doesn’t count. It’s like coloring one’s hair.

No, really!!

‘Til next time…

Vapidly,

Jenna