Reality TV Whores: HGTV’s Design Star, Episode 1- The Omorosa Law

Is Ramona, as she claimed, a modern-day VanGogh? And did she have to GO??

Like a fine work of art, sometimes Reality Shows leave us with more questions than answers. Because such complex questions are easier to answer when we all put our heads together, I give you a new, interactive feature:

Vapid Culture’s (first ever) Burning Question of the Week!

Question: Is the object on the left…

a. A vacuum covered in white crap; or

b. A priceless art sculpture?

Answer: Umm… Tomato, Tomahhto?

As a (semi-closeted) Reality TV junkie who used to work in “The Industry”, as they call it in LA-La land, I’ve often contemplated the ethics of a practice utilized by reality-show producers. I call it The Omorosa Law of Reality TV.

As you may or may not know, at the end of every reality show there’s a disclaimer that says something to the effect of “The final decisions are based on the judges’ opinions; however, the producers are given the final say.” This allows them to keep a marginally-qualified but highly entertaining contestant on the air, because evil &/or crazy characters=high ratings.

Objectionable as it may be in terms of justice, I do believe this law is for the greater good. (Oh come on, you know you missed Omorosa after she got “fired”!!) I mean, would “Project Runway” have gotten renewed sans Wendy Pepper? Every show needs a villain; it’s Screen Writing 101!

Enter Ramona on HGTV’s “Design Star”. As soon as I saw her “credits”– she is a “found objects artist”– I figured she had been cast as the villain who would stay on for a while despite her obvious inferiority– like Jade in cycle 5 of Top Model.

As the show progressed, Ramona’s craziness became more apparent. Naturally, I was grateful for the “Omorosa clause”, as I figured that come hell or high water, the powers that be would find a way to keep her on the show and keep the laughs coming.

Now I know what people mean when they call a nutty person “a character”; I mean, a show, scripted or not, is nothing without characters, and Ramona made the episode, IMHO.
How, you ask? Oh let me count the ways! Aside from her aforementioned credits, the first thing that tipped me off to Ramona’s kookiness was her use of the paintbrush-as-a-hair-ornament. Now even I have, in a pinch, used a pencil to keep the hair out of my face, but ON NATIONAL TV?? I don’t think so.

Next, Ramona tells everyone that she wants to do a “beautiful mural” in the room that she and a few others are designing. As a designer myself, I’m imagining all of the murals that I’ve had to paint over while staging a house for sale and thinking “STOP HER!!” Murals are rarely a good thing in a space that needs to be liked by, say, more than two people. A peice of wall-art is referred to as “a canvas” for a reason– it belongs ON CANVAS, not on walls!!

Although some of the designers tried to make her understand this, they ended up giving into her, which was when I figured that they knew something we viewers didn’t: Ramona was going to march to the beat of her own drummer (a beat that no one else could make sense of, to be sure.) This projection of mine ended up being true in ways I could never have forcasted!!

Now, the designers were given a mere 24 hours to design the space (which was the NYC townhouse where they’re living). Knowing from personal experience that time management is NOT a designer’s strong suit, I knew they’d be waaay behind schedule by the time they actually started putting the room together.

Now, usually time-crunch panic has a way of making people focus on the job at hand, but not Ramona!!

Instead of helping with the room, there’s Ramona, out dumpster diving. She emerges with a box on her head, a vacuum in hand and some other undecipherable crap. We hear her say something like “I don’t like the word trash, because it implies that things can no longer be of use”. Be afraid. Be very afraid!!

We see her teammates frantically painting the walls (of course they have to do this ASAP, because paint has to dry). And then we see Ramona… finger-painting her vacuum with plaster!! To be fair, she says she’s making a sculpture. A sculpture that, apparently, will be so beautiful that it’s more important than mere wall-painting. Silly moi.

As they start to deduce the fact that Ramona’s not big on prioritizing, the other designers inquire about her plans for the mural. Or, more likely, they’re terrified of what she’ll litter the walls with. So she sketches two potential themes.

Now earlier, when everyone started commenting on how gorgeous fellow designer Temple is, it came out that Temple was Miss Utah. To her credit, she seemed somewhat embarrassed by this admission (sort of like when I admit to having been a cheerleader… yikes).

Ramona is so excited by this embarrassing factoid that she wants to do a mural of “Miss Utah”– I kid you not, that’s what she presents as option #1. Option #2 is likened to a “child’s drawing”, which is pretty hideous too. Given the choices, everyone (including Miss Utah herself) votes for option 2; now they mus’nt witness Ramona’s interpretation of the former.

Next thing we know, time’s up and… ewww- yep, that’s a child’s drawing all right– a child’s drawing of MISS UTAH!! I thought that idea got voted down?! Apparently everyone else did too, judging by their faces at the voting panel– when the judges inquired about this, Ramona used some sort of doublespeak to explain how she arrived at her decision to do Miss Utah despite the consensus that she NOT do it… Apparently Ramona lives on a planet where no means yes– or maybe, as Bill Clinton taught us during Lewinsky-gate, “it depends on what your interpretation of ‘is’ is.”

When asked to explain herself, Ramona says that no one on the show is advanced enough to understand her work by likening herself to a modern day Van Gogh (“people thought Van Gogh’s work was ugly too back then”).

So when it came time to decide who gets the boot, I was so enthralled by all of Miss Mona’s kookiness that I was thanking God for the Omorosa Law. Surely, despite all of Ramona’s detriments, the Omorosa Law would prevail and TPTB would find a reason, any reason, to get rid of someone else (like Donna, that annoying Designer/Flight Attendant from Texas!)

Sure enough, during the judging, Design Star’s host, Mr. (creepy) Clyde called out Donna and started harping on her horrific budgeting skills. The guys that did the patio lost A WHOLE DAY because she had taken off without giving them money for materials!! And her room was totally botched, as Donna insisted on positioning the couch so that it blocked the room’s traffic flow!!

 

Surely he was making a case for why Donna’s contribution was more devastating than Ramona’s!! Surely he was going to honor The Omorosa Law!!
Oh NOH he DID-unnt!
NOoo!!!!

Now we’ll be forced to endure an entire season without the true Design Star!! They just killed off their most colorful character!!

But fear not, fellow character-lovers. Ramona set us up for the P.R. Ages (Post Ramona, of course.) In her videotaped Last Will and Testament/Exit Interview, Ramona nominated contestant Tym to fill her shoes as “the new Ramona”.

However, as of Episode 3, it looks like Donna’s the one to watch… and I think the only reason she’s lasted this long is The you-know-what.

The Omorosa Law is back in force! Hallelujah!!

Vapidly,

Jenna

Reality TV Whores: HGTV’s Design Star, Episode 3

Oh, the fun of trashing people on Reality TV! They just put themselves out there, starved for attention– so what’s an astute Societal Commentator to do? Give ‘em the attention they’re begging for, naturally! Of course, when they’re as clueless and annoying as some of the people on this show, it makes my job easier, and, let’s face it… fun!!

OK, and so just maybe I’m a little bitter that no one asked moi to do the show– I am a bit of a Design Star myself, you know.

And as such, I’m all the more qualified to combine three of my favorite things into one fabulous rant: Designing, Reality TV and Editorializing (OK, bitching)!

Of course, I am, in fact, bitching with a purpose. If there’s one thing I loathe, it’s when Designers give the rest of us a bad name, setting the profession back to the days before women could vote.

Case in point: To quote many-a-client of mine’s husband when he finally sees my (suprisingly tasteful and restrained) work in his home: Gosh, I, uh, really like it?! I heard that my wife hired a Decorator and thought my house would end up looking all foofy! But this… well, I wished I’d had hired you earlier!

So every and again I come across such a Designer (Hilde on trading Spaces, anyone?) and I can hardly contain myself. I want to tie them up in strings of hot glue from their glue gun. And surprise, surprise, this show has at least two offenders.

And, surprise again, one of them is a high-maintenance blonde lady from Texas (Donna). Apparently she has issues with the younger, prettier and more talented blonde named Temple. But, you know, being Ms. Southahnn Hawspitahhlity, she can’t bear to have her buttons pushed and risk lashing out, especially on TV– people will talk!! So as the show opens, we catch her trying to sell Temple on the merits of being phony, or pretending to be friends, so as to avoid any nasty conflict.

So last night the Designers were given an identical room to Redesign. Naturally there was a twist– they were given a room with non-descript furniture and told that they could reconstruct it with power tools, one gallon of paint (for which they had to budget $25) and materials from either an Auto Parts Store, a Camping Store or a Beauty Store– and no, they don’t get to choose which store they shop out of.
At this point I am *praying* to the Design Gods that Ms. Texas does not get the chance to pollute the airwaves by designing a room with items from a beauty supply store. (SHUDDER!!) Can you say Jon Benet Ramsey-cum-Liberace??

So you can only imagine my glee when I learned that she’d be shopping at an Auto Zone (gidee-up!!), right along with her arch-nemesis, Temple.

Despite having to work with Auto Zone materials, Ms. Texas manages to create something foofy. That’s right, she faux-finished her way into fewwww-fdom, using car paint, of all things!! Yep, that’s right, everyone– the image you see on your left is the paint-job she littered her room with. To her credit, she was shown agonizing over the mess she’d made… something to the effect of “the Judges will think I was painting with my eyes closed!!”

Um, sorry Darlin’, but even blindness on the part of the painter does not explain that. The only explanation for such ugliness is bad taste!

Of course, the foof-dom of Ms. Texas doesn’t end there. Her “design sense” dictates the over-use of trinkets. How, you must be wondering, does one come up with tasteless-Texas-style trinkets when furnishing a room with auto supplies? By finding random car parts that somehow resemble foofy plants and other over-the-top accessories.

Well, it’s hard, which is why Ms. Foofy ended up with a foofy-cum-utilitarian motif. These two design genres never, ever mix, and her room is a prime example of why. Can you imagine mod, futuristic, masculine furniture with chrome accents in a room with frilly lace curtains and Shabby-chic wallpaper? (SHUDDER!!) Well, this gives you an idea of Ms. Texas’s end result, presented in all of it’s glory below…

(L) The room everyone had to start… (R)Donna’s after-”Texas Minimalism”?

Of course, if you think this project is impossibly hard, check out my girl Temple’s design on the right– no wonder Donna resents her in a way that can only come across as “I’m soo above you– I have a DESIGN DEGREE and you DON’T!!”

Lord only knows why they didn’t eliminate Donna here. Perhaps it’s because the producers decided to keep her around despite her lack of design sense, because having a marginally-talented, annoying character that produces lots of conflict is GOOD for ratings (Does anyone remember Santino on Project Runway last season, Jade on cycle 5 of Top Model, or– the gold standard– Omorosa on Trump’s show?!) With those examples in mind, I’ll happily make the following prediction: The more annonying Ms. Texas is– and the more she fights with Temple– the longer she’ll be around. I just pray that they never give her the opportunity to use anything with feathers or artificial plants!!

Vapidly Yours,

Jenna