Attn Men: If you ever want sex again, avoid ordering your woman’s gift from a TV ad produced by Jenna Jameson’s porn empire.

It’s that time of year again- obligatory gift-buying season. Which means that most dudes couldn’t be more afraid. Because this is one area, like decorating and party planning, where the straight male is genetically engineered to perform badly. Only the ramifications of doing so can be much worse than social humiliation… inappropriate gift-giving can equal no nookie in the new year! Quelle Horreur!

But fear not, feeble-minded tough guys. If you act now, for 19.95 you can purchase what is guaranteed to be the perfect gift (plus it’ll make her hot and horny as a bonus!): an aphrodesiac-like purfume made of snake oil!

Okay, now be honest. How many of you men reading this did I have going with that one, up until the snake oil part? It’s okay– it doesn’t make you stupid. It makes you desperate… desperate to believe you can solve the problem that easily.

And Wherever there is a desperate buyer, there is a savvy snake-oil salesman in the wings.

Some are worse than others.

The most evil of all know exactly how to prey on their targets’ soft spots.

And who knows a man’s weaknesses-and is therefore in the better position to sell said men heavily polished turds– more than a true professional?

Go ahead and try to tell me there are no such professionals behind this bit of marketing genius:
click here to watch
I can see see it now…

INT.’MASSAGE PARLOR’ BREAK ROOM; CHINATOWN, USA – NIGHT

Four industrious femmes are chatting in heavily-accented Engrish: the two Massuese/Madame/Co-owners called ‘CINDY’ and ‘LUCY’, a moonlighting Stripper/Porn Star/Businesswoman called ‘TRACY’, and a massuese-cum-marketing genius called ‘JENNIE’. In the spirit of Tracy Quan, the ladies are putting their knowledge of seductive man-ipulation to work, laying the foundation for an empire. You go girls!

CINDY

Here in massage parlor I learn about dumb American men and their fear of picking out gifts for special lady. They all afraid bad gift=no sex for looong time. But this good- it mean more business for us!

LUCY
I think I know a  way to get better business! Growing up I worked in China’s largest sweat shop. I think we can use sweat shop connection and knowledge about dumb American men to make million!!

TRACY
Oh, my sister still works there. She says they must put nice looking fabric in bin labelled “reject pile” because it caused rashes and tested positive for melamine and asbestos. I think my sister can give us the material instead of taking it to dump!!!

LUCY
Then we can get my sister’s kids to sew the material into PJs- it will cost us very little!

TRACY
We will not sell items in stores, so no one will see the bad quality until it’s too late!

JENNIE
But who will buy such bad quality? Who won’t return the stuff when it causes rash and/or falls apart after one use?

CINDY
We just make sure items look good in pictures. No woman will return such a gift anyway!

LUCY
I know! We can disguise the bad materials by doing a nice wrapping job and including some stuff like they sell at the 99 cent store in the bath section!

JENNIE
Still, why men buy?

TRACY
As we know from working in Massage Parlor, horny American men are dumb. Horny American men threatened with no more sex are desperate. Was there ever an easier mark?

LUCY
All we need to do is sell them on the fact that our gift will not get them cut off in bedroom. What kinds of gifts get men cut off?

TRACY
Anything that shows the man put little or no thought into what the lady likes. Like appliances or stuff from Home Depot.

CINDY
So we say our gift effortless but still thoughtful! We even include card and give suggestions for what to write!

JENNIE
[Speaking in sexy voice]‘She’ll think you spent weeks planning it!’

LUCY
That’s perfect– I can hear our ad now! Men believe anything if said in a horny voice.

JENNIE
Also, promise something sex-related… like the only gift guaranteed to take her clothes off!

TRACY
Men are so easy to make money off of when sex is involved. They do not have enough blood in their bodies to support their brains and dicks at same time!

Aaand..SCENE!

Can’t you just hear the girlish giggles everytime a man orders from them?

Men, I beg of you, don’t give them more giggle gas.

You may think it’s not, in fact, so egregious. And perhaps you’re right…

So just in case you decide to ignore all that we’ve learned here and order a Pajamagram, let me tell you of the pennance my bf paid after he gave me the finest Pajamagram money can buy for V-day 2 years ago:

He actually took me to dinner at the Bluewater Grill and presented me with this customized card, explaining that it was supposed to neutralize the Pajamagram.

Which it did… just barely. (Five-star resorts have magical powers!)

So to all of the men out there who wish to avoid unpleasant relationship consequences this holiday season, I leave you with an ancient Chinese Proverb, albeit very loosely translated…

Pay Now or Pay Later.