Public Service Time: gift-giving advice for men who want to get laid next year

HINT: if you follow their gift-giving advice, you’ll be needing to use this photo a whole lot next year. (Print, laminate and hide in bathroom!)

It’s practically Christmas, but I know most men haven’t yet found the inner resolve to undertake the most overwhelming of tasks: shopping for the wife/girlfriend.

Because it’s the season of giving and I’m nothing if not generous, I’d like to offer men and the women who love them a public service. Let’s call it chick-gifting 101.

For the guys out there, proper chick-gifting requires you to understand one key principle.

Now I realize that the following maxim is kind of like the warning label that says “this bag is not to be used as a flotation device”, obvious but sadly necessary.

Most of you men out there may find it a tad condescending. Still, if it saves just one man from disaster, it’s worth stating.

So here goes.

Men and women are different.

Men are into utility and problem-solving. To most of you straight men, no gift is as thoughtful as a gadget, tool, or the ever-popular and effortless gift-card to an electronics/home improvement store.

Women, however, generally want something personal and tasteful. Utility ranks a distant third.

So guys, unless she specifically asked for something from the electronics or appliances department, stay away.

Unless your new year’s resolution is involves never sleeping with her again.

But you knew this already, right?

You were planning on getting her something personal, fashionable and not cheap. You’re even planning to make your annual pilgrimage to the mall for her!

But before you do, you’d best be armed with the following knowledge.

What can I say, it’s the holidays and I’m here to help.

It’s a sad fact that where there are generous givers like yourself, there are unsavory scam artist-types, just waiting to take advantage your good intentions.

No, I’m not referring to Ms. Nabu Mshindi, third cousin to the Sultan of Nigeria, who will gladly give you a piece of her 50Million$US fortune if you kindly wire her the bank fees in advance.

I’m talking about scam artists who are much more shrewd; those who have perfected the art of flying beneath the radar while taking advantage of well-meaning but naive targets like you.

They refer to themselves as Ad Executives.

Being a man, you probably think yourself too wise to be had. But, I’m telling you, these evil-doers are shrewd.

They’ve even gone so far as to conduct covert ops in order to find out the way you think. They even have a nice-sounding term for it: market research.

It seemed like a good idea at the time!

They know that as of right now, your mind is reeling with something like this:

Shit, I’ve got to get something suitable for my chick so I don’t have to worry about not getting laid. Let’s see, what would I want if I were her? Something useful and sweet, like a big-screen TV. Better not risk it though…after I gave her that super-high end vacuum last year, she cut off sex until March! Chicks! So impossible to figure out! Better play it safe and get her something feminine and classy, even if it means going to the mall. At least she’ll know I did something I hate doing to get the damned gift. That ought to be good for a few blow jobs.

Good intentions like these present the perfect opportunity for the aforementioned scam artists.

You want to get her something feminine and seemingly classy.

More likely than not, though, you have no idea what these adjectives actually mean to a woman.

All the scammer has to do is convince you that his product fits the bill.

They know how to get to you, invading your subconscious via your beloved big-screen TV. They litter the airwaves with ads during football; ads that show hot women receiving the most foreign of objects, lingerie and jewelry, and falling all over themselves with delight.

No matter that the products advertised are made in China for 1/100th of their retail price. Like a bad polyester wig, the products look authentic to the untrained eye but quickly fall apart when actually used.

Of course, you men never use these products yourselves– right?– so you’re likely to think that $250 at Victoria’s or Kay Jewelers was money well spent.

Until you see your woman’s expression on Christmas day.

Write it down: MUST NOT SHOP AT VICTORIA’S SECRET OR KAY JEWELERS. IGNORE HOT CHICKS IN ADS.

These companies are the absolute worst. They are practically modern snake-oil salesmen. They are purveyors of sub-quality crap.

The fact that VS makes the bulk of it’s revenue during the holiday season should tell you something: women never buy their crap for themselves. In fact, Target makes a higher-quality bra.

But it gets worse. There is a larger problem that comes from shopping at VS.

Buying a woman cheaply-made, badly-designed (read: uncomfortable) lingerie means you’ve just bought her something only good for use in the bedroom.

This makes it second only to the big-screen TV as the most self-serving of gifts a man can buy.

If you think your woman really was cool when you bought her something from Victoria’s Secret in the past, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she has passive-aggressive tendencies. Or a room-temperature IQ.

Because just about any woman worth buying for sees the VS Christmas gift as a ploy.

And whether you realize it or not, upon receiving your gift, she may very well get mad enough to deny you sex.

How’s that for irony?

And how many relationships fall apart because of sex, or more precisely, lack thereof?

So please don’t fall into their traps. These evil scam artists break up families!

Only slightly less offensive are the scam artists working for Kay Jewelers. Still, their methods are equally shady.

Men know that women love jewelry. What they don’t know is why.

Women see jewelry as an expression of a man’s willingness to endure a sacrifice for the sake of their woman’s happiness. We don’t really want that 2.5-karat engagement ring so we can stare at it all day. After all, diamond jewelry, unlike costume jewelry, is worn not for fashion but for sentimental reasons. The real reason we want that pricey rock is because it tells us that our man thinks we are worth the $25K sacrifice he endured by purchasing it.

More importantly, it tells the world that we are worth it!

Nothing says “My man is poor… and has no taste” like these pebbles!

So when a man buys us something as tacky as Kay Jewelers’ “journey pendant”, which is nothing but small diamond scraps, it tells us, and more importantly the world, that our man thinks we are worth very little.

Add to that the fact that this same pendant can be bought at a jewelry mart in downtown LA for $50, and you’ll understand why no self-respecting woman would wear it regularly.

Which leads me to my next suggestion for all of you gift-challenged dudes: if you must buy jewelry, go downtown and buy the largest solitaire diamond earrings you can afford.

A better choice for your woman (and your libido)

Personally, I’m wearing a pair of 1/2K diamond earrings right now that cost about the price of that hideous journey pendant.

If jewelry isn’t in the cards for you, figure out what kind of perfume your woman wears and buy some. Or better yet, ask her girlfriends what the hot handbag is right now, and get it for her.

But please, do not buy the cheaper version with the slightly different label. It may be the same to you, but I promise, there is a big difference between Gucci and Cucci.

If you want the latter, better spring for the former.

Public Service Announcement complete.

Have a Merry Christmas, and a Vapid New Year!

Vapidly,

Jenna